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Student Services » Grief and Loss

Grief and Loss

Addressing grief and loss with students is one of the most challenging tasks an educator or caregiver can face. It requires a delicate balance of honesty, empathy, and stability. Here is an introduction to approaching this conversation, designed to help you prepare the environment and your own mindset before you begin.
 
Each family addresses such a difficult experience in different ways.   We can provide some support at school as well.   As always, we have ways for children to check in with their teachers and the school counseling team.  If your child needs to check in, please use this link--  Wellness Check-in

Before you speak to the children, recognize that you do not need to "fix" their pain or have all the answers. The goal of this conversation is not to take the sadness away, but to create a container where that sadness is allowed to exist safely.  Teachers have access to the Teacher's Handbook.
 
 
Community Resources Include:
Center for Living With Dying--Healing Heart Groups:  https://www.billwilsoncenter.org/services/all/hearts.html
NAMI Santa Clara County:  https://namisantaclara.org/resources-2/grief-support-resources/#g10

Things to consider: 
  • Model vulnerability: It is okay if you get emotional. Showing students that adults feel sadness too validates their own feelings.
  • Prepare for mixed reactions: Some students may cry; others may laugh nervously or make jokes, become angry, or seem completely indifferent. All of these are normal defense mechanisms.
 
We recognize that school is often a place of stability. While you should allow space for grief, maintaining the structure of the day helps students feel safe. Allow for breaks or "quiet corners," but keep the rhythm of the class going. Every family addresses such a difficult experience in different ways.   
 
As always, we have ways for children to check in with their teachers and the school counseling team.  If your student/child needs to check in, you can request support here:  Wellness Check-in

If you are talking at home, the following is a list of supports to consider and some additional resources that may help with any conversations or questions that come up now or later for kids and an attachment of books that help discuss grief and loss with children :

When Helping a Grieving Child
  • Listen
  • Be honest and keep answers simple.  
  • Answer their questions. Even the hard ones
  • Give the child choices whenever possible
  • Encourage consistency and routines
  • Talk about and remember the person who died
  • Make a child's world safe for grieving
  • Expect and allow for all kinds of emotions
  • Get out the crayons, pens, pencils, paint, chalk, Play Doh, clay
  • Run, jump, play and find other ways to release big energy and emotions
  • Be a model of healthy grief
  • Provide affection, reassurance and compassion
  • Practice patience
  • Support children even if they are in a bad mood
  • Expect some children to act younger than their age
  • Expect some children to act like little adults
  • Help the child at bedtimes. Sleep may become more difficult now
  • Encourage healthy meals and drinking plenty of water
  • Keep parent-teacher communication open
  • Don't force kids to talk
  • Take breaks from grief
  • Remember that "playing" is grieving for a child
  • Seek additional help if needed
  • Help children know that they are not alone in their grief and help them identify safe adults at school 
  • Set limits and rules and enforce them (helps a child to feel safe)
  • Remember special days and anniversaries
  • Take care of your own grief and practice self-care
  • Be available to the child when they need you
 
 
Warning Signs
 
While most students will process grief naturally with support, keep an eye out for students who may need professional intervention:
 
  • Persistent difficulty functioning (eating, sleeping, schoolwork) after several weeks.
  • Withdrawal from friends and activities they used to love.
  • Expressions of hopelessness or guilt (e.g., "It’s my fault").